THE CAVE (2005)

I like Cole Hauser. He's definitely B-list but he's all right. Maybe it's because the first time I was aware of him was in Pitch Black, a better-than-most-but-still-can't-touch-Alien Alien wannabe. He's got an icy stare and wide eyed expression that on any other actor would be their I'm-doing-this-for-comic-effect look. On him, it looks menacing and cold.

He was good in Pitch Black although the picture belonged to Vin Diesel and the Aussie actress whose name escapes me at the moment. He was good in the same way in Paparazzi, an otherwise forgettable and regretable exercise from the school of revenge genre. In The Cave he's good too. In fact, he's the only good actor in it.

The movie begs the question, how much do casting directors get paid? Is it a shitty job? Do they just pick randomly from the Book of Studs or Beach Bunnies We Can Pass Off As Scientists? Aarg. I'm really tired of good looking people. I mean in general they're ubiquitous and they exist only to make me feel less good about myself.

And a shlocky summer horror romp like this absolutely doesn't benefit from good looking actors. THEY'RE IN A CAVE, PEOPLE! NO LIGHTS! CAN'T SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL ANYONE IS ANYWAY!

Let us pause for a moment and remember the perfectly selected cast for the original Alien movie. Probably the last time dead on casting for a horror flick ever occurred. It could be argued that Tom Skerrit is the stud of the movie but his character absolutely betrays that possibility. Here's a guy who for all the world only wants one thing: to do what the company has sanctioned him to do and then go home. He hardly burst with heroic charisma.

Next, Sigourney Weaver is a beautiful actress but far too intelligent and edgy to just come off as eye candy. Veronica Cartwright was nervous and frightened, smoking constantly and following orders with an air of resignation. Harry Dean Stanton and Yaphet Kotto were more or less the C3PO and R2-D2 of the film, providing brief comic relief as the beleaguered mechanics who don't even rate a "full share" on this voyage. Ian Holm is a standout as the cold and threatening Ash and the great John Hurt lends his fatigued expression to Kane, the Alien's first victim.

The characters looked and spoke like tired, underpaid and fed up employees too powerless to argue against company directives and proceedures. The crew was as real as what you would expect to see at your local garage or in the boiler room of a skyscraper.

Nowadays, studs. Studs and chicks. Studs and chicks get lost in a cave. Studs and chicks get lost in wax house. Studs and chicks get eaten alive. Whatever. What made Alien work were the characters: plain, simple, no frills, regular folk.

The Cave, despite the good looks of its cast, does display some beautiful camera work. Some of the spelunking scenes are truly claustrophobic. Animatronic monsters are OK but at this point, you've seen it all before. The final frame twist is silly and detectable from a mile away.

Directed by Bruce Hunt, 2nd line director for the vile Matrix Reloaded and Revolution fiascos, I give The Cave 2 out 5 flashlights and a spare rebreather. You're gonna need it.