What a headache. What an absolute mess. What a horrendous idea that probably never should have left the drafting table. Not even the spectre of Charlize Theron in tight black (leather? rubber? breathable cotton-poly?)can save this mess.
It's four hundred years in the future and there's a corrupt government controlling the only remaining tired, poor, beautiful huddled masses and then there's the rebel insurgents who want answers, dammit, about the disappearances and who feel the only course of action is the violent overthrow of the ruggedly handsome leader named Muphasa and his corrupt, sniveling brother Scar. Oh, wait, that's the Lion King. Sorry.
Charlize is one of those nimble fighters who snaps faceless guards' necks with her thighs. I pray to God that's how I'll go when my time finally comes. She doesn't run anywhere, she does cartwheels and backflips. If that was really a more expiditious way to get from point A to point B, wouldn't they include cartwheel/backflip races in the Olympics?
Anyway, she gets her orders by taking drugs where she hallucinates the nightmarish vision of Frances McDormand in full Elizabeth 1 drag and Carrot Top's hair. She literally could have called her role in using her Verizon cell phone. She stands there in a gauzy soft focus saying non-lines like "Your time will come" and "You'll have your revenge." There's also a female rebel fighter who had her feet replaced with another pair of hands because as we all know, tumbling is better than running.
Long story short there's something about cloning gone wrong and a futuristic Goodyear Blimp which hovers over the CGI future land and which contains all DNA of the entire remaining population. God, I don't want to give it all away. What I'm really thinking about is asking my wife to strangle me with her bare legs. But I digress.
Directed by Krusty the Klown, I mean Karyn Kusama, I can't even give this brainless waste of time a funny rating. It's that bad.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
THE IRON GIANT (1999)
I don't know why it took me so long to see this movie but perhaps it has something to do with having a soon-to-be-turning five-year-old with a voracious appetite for huge bipeds metal or otherwise. I had heard about it being a great film and all but the two of us have been on a year-long Godzilla kick that promises to continue probably until he gets a job working on sets and costume design for Toho. After any kaiju flick he sees, he often begins to create a follow-up, a sequel of sorts, with his action figures: "Daddy, this scene is from 'Mechagodzilla vs Pachycephalosaurus VI!'" or "Did you ever of the movie'The Beast from 20 Miles?'"
Needless to say, I love it. I know many would accuse me of overindulging him or that I'm sending him down the wrong path but I don't think so. We actually talk about the films, who was good, who was bad, why characters and monsters do what they do. When we look up Godzilla on the Internet I try to have him recognize words. He's learning to maneuver aroundToho Kingdom on his own. To borrow an all-too-used contemporary phrase: it's all good, man.
And then we watch the Iron Giant, a nearly perfect exercise in family entertainment meets metaphysical journey. Briefly, a giant robot crashlands from outer space in the waters off a small New England fishing village in 1957. It hides in the woods surrounding the town, eats whatever metal it can find, and befriends a little boy, Hogarth, who instinctively recognizes the "ghost in the machine". There's a shady government agent who wants to get the bottom of all the mysterious goings-on. There's a soul-patched beatnik who collects scrap metal and turns some of it into art. There's the single mom who is patient, attentive and "up to here" with Hogarth's tall tales, the tallest of which is in the forest just behind her house.
The film is filled with beautiful set pieces such as the giant's temporarily severed hand running amok in the boy's home; the Giant agreeing to become Hogarth's personal carnival ride; Hogarth's succinct and dead-on lesson to the Iron Giant on what it means to have a soul; the Iron Giant's own final declaration of who he chooses to be.
This is one of the few movies I've seen in many years that I could describe as being perfect. No missteps, no false sentimentality, a story so clear and sharp in its intent that it is hard to believe it is not centuries old. Then again, perhaps it is.
Directed by Brad Bird, the genius behind his follow-up The Incredibles, the Iron Giant simply stands head and shoulders above the wasteland of film. This isn't a movie, it's art.
Roy and I discuss the Iron Giant:
What did you like about the movie?
-I like it when the boy went into the forest and the Iron Giant sneaked up on him.
-I like it when the big hand was using the toilet.
-I like it when he [the boy] said "no following" but the Iron Giant did anyway
What happens to the Iron Giant?
-He gets shot
How?
-By a big bomb
Why?
-Cause...'cause he flew up in the air.
Why did he fly up in the air?
-'Cause he wanted to protect the people.
Why was that important?
-'Cause if the bomb hit the earth all the people would die.
So what do we call that?
-Explode.
(I laugh) Is that called "sacrifice"? Does he sacrifice himself?
-Yeah.
Is the Iron Giant dead in the end?
-No.
How come?
-'Cause he builds himself again.
Did that make you happy?
-Yeah.
Me too.
Needless to say, I love it. I know many would accuse me of overindulging him or that I'm sending him down the wrong path but I don't think so. We actually talk about the films, who was good, who was bad, why characters and monsters do what they do. When we look up Godzilla on the Internet I try to have him recognize words. He's learning to maneuver around
And then we watch the Iron Giant, a nearly perfect exercise in family entertainment meets metaphysical journey. Briefly, a giant robot crashlands from outer space in the waters off a small New England fishing village in 1957. It hides in the woods surrounding the town, eats whatever metal it can find, and befriends a little boy, Hogarth, who instinctively recognizes the "ghost in the machine". There's a shady government agent who wants to get the bottom of all the mysterious goings-on. There's a soul-patched beatnik who collects scrap metal and turns some of it into art. There's the single mom who is patient, attentive and "up to here" with Hogarth's tall tales, the tallest of which is in the forest just behind her house.
The film is filled with beautiful set pieces such as the giant's temporarily severed hand running amok in the boy's home; the Giant agreeing to become Hogarth's personal carnival ride; Hogarth's succinct and dead-on lesson to the Iron Giant on what it means to have a soul; the Iron Giant's own final declaration of who he chooses to be.
This is one of the few movies I've seen in many years that I could describe as being perfect. No missteps, no false sentimentality, a story so clear and sharp in its intent that it is hard to believe it is not centuries old. Then again, perhaps it is.
Directed by Brad Bird, the genius behind his follow-up The Incredibles, the Iron Giant simply stands head and shoulders above the wasteland of film. This isn't a movie, it's art.
Roy and I discuss the Iron Giant:
What did you like about the movie?
-I like it when the boy went into the forest and the Iron Giant sneaked up on him.
-I like it when the big hand was using the toilet.
-I like it when he [the boy] said "no following" but the Iron Giant did anyway
What happens to the Iron Giant?
-He gets shot
How?
-By a big bomb
Why?
-Cause...'cause he flew up in the air.
Why did he fly up in the air?
-'Cause he wanted to protect the people.
Why was that important?
-'Cause if the bomb hit the earth all the people would die.
So what do we call that?
-Explode.
(I laugh) Is that called "sacrifice"? Does he sacrifice himself?
-Yeah.
Is the Iron Giant dead in the end?
-No.
How come?
-'Cause he builds himself again.
Did that make you happy?
-Yeah.
Me too.
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