AEON FLUX (2005)

What a headache. What an absolute mess. What a horrendous idea that probably never should have left the drafting table. Not even the spectre of Charlize Theron in tight black (leather? rubber? breathable cotton-poly?)can save this mess.

It's four hundred years in the future and there's a corrupt government controlling the only remaining tired, poor, beautiful huddled masses and then there's the rebel insurgents who want answers, dammit, about the disappearances and who feel the only course of action is the violent overthrow of the ruggedly handsome leader named Muphasa and his corrupt, sniveling brother Scar. Oh, wait, that's the Lion King. Sorry.

Charlize is one of those nimble fighters who snaps faceless guards' necks with her thighs. I pray to God that's how I'll go when my time finally comes. She doesn't run anywhere, she does cartwheels and backflips. If that was really a more expiditious way to get from point A to point B, wouldn't they include cartwheel/backflip races in the Olympics?

Anyway, she gets her orders by taking drugs where she hallucinates the nightmarish vision of Frances McDormand in full Elizabeth 1 drag and Carrot Top's hair. She literally could have called her role in using her Verizon cell phone. She stands there in a gauzy soft focus saying non-lines like "Your time will come" and "You'll have your revenge." There's also a female rebel fighter who had her feet replaced with another pair of hands because as we all know, tumbling is better than running.

Long story short there's something about cloning gone wrong and a futuristic Goodyear Blimp which hovers over the CGI future land and which contains all DNA of the entire remaining population. God, I don't want to give it all away. What I'm really thinking about is asking my wife to strangle me with her bare legs. But I digress.

Directed by Krusty the Klown, I mean Karyn Kusama, I can't even give this brainless waste of time a funny rating. It's that bad.