SUSPECT ZERO (2004)

There are certain movies I know I will never rent, watch or even land on briefly while cruising for something to watch. In this category are HBO staples “Father of the Bride”, “Father of the Bride part II”, “Miss Congeniality” or anything with Dudley Moore.

I remember after the harrowing final 48 hours in London of our second tour with Colorblind James Experience-when there was the distinct possibility that some of us wouldn’t be able to get home-we finally all boarded the jet that would carry us stateside. As we were finding our seats I turned to Chuck and joked “wouldn’t it just be our luck if the in-flight movie was Arthur II?” I kid you not, the in-flight movie was Arthur II. We of course watched it without the headphones and created our own dialogue for it. Hilarity ensued.

So I’m in bed with some bizarre flu-like symptoms, body-aches, hives and what-not and cruising for something to watch. In these states it can’t be anything too heavy, nor can it be Father of the Bride or Arthur. HBO is also trying to foist Mad City, Down Periscope, My Antonia, Mad City in Spanish and Man of Fire on me. I don’t want to watch any of those…ever. So today’s choice, from the paucity of titles available on Movies on Demand, is…Suspect Zero? Beyond the Sea? Suspect Zero? Beyond the Sea? Suspect Zero it is. At least Ben Kingsley can act. And away we go…

Approximately two hours later:

My back and head still ache but the hives seem to have receded a bit. But now I have the memory of this film that I must purge from my system once and for all. I know I will feel better. I must feel better…

This movie features Aaron Eckhart and Carrie-Anne Moss as two uninteresting characters slowly revealing their uninteresting back stories. They are FBI agents, one of which, Agent Mackelwey (Eckhart), follows great big clues that Ben Kingsley leaves for him. Mackelwey is clearly tortured as evidenced by the massive amounts of aspirin he swallows throughout the film. He sighs heavily, turns lots of pages, reviews endless series of numbers and sifts through endless pictures and drawings. He bangs his fist on his desk and says things like “What does it mean?” and “Where are you?” and “What do you want from me?”

Suspect Zero is the name for Ben Kingsley’s concept of a serial killer who leaves no clues and follows no patterns. He’s been trained to ascertain clues using a technique known as remote viewing. Remote viewing is where you sit at a desk and listen to white noise until you’re in a trance-like state during which you stare blankly ahead, bang your left hand quickly on the desktop and scribble numbers, names and doodles of crimes that are occurring somewhere. Which is all well and good except that when he finds these killers, he kills them! And then he cuts their eyelids off! Get it? So they are always…seeing!

The only scenes that are even remotely interesting are those that feature Ben Kingsley in one of his patented flip-side-of-Gandhi roles. Aaron Eckhart is dull and weepy and Carrie-Anne Moss is a one-note actress. She will always be remembered in the same company as Julie Newmar and others who look especially fine in skin-tight shiny black leather. Unfortunately, there's no skin-tight shiny black leather to be found in Suspect Zero.

As a side note, I’m suspecting that Carrie-Anne Moss must be contractually obligated to forever appear in movies that feature her co-stars from the Matrix series. She and Joe Pantoliano both starred in Memento and here, her FBI boss is Harry Lennix (the hilariously stone-faced Commander Lock in parts 2 & 3), whose only point of interest is the black hole on his chin that seems to suck all the attention away from anything else happening on the screen.

Suspect Zero was directed by E. Elias Merhige who currently has nothing slated in his immediate future.

For all the clues scattered around this dull thriller, I give it only one retrieved corpse out of 100 missing-and-presumed-deads.